There was an incident from several years ago when a controller cleared a Cessna 172 for landing. As the Cessna turned to final approach, an airliner called in "over the marker" (~5 miles from the airport). The Cessna was about a half mile from the runway, and the controller knew he could land and clear the runway well before the airliner would land, so he cleared the airliner to land as well. A few seconds later, the Cessna pilot asked the controller, "How far behind me is that 737?" Before the controller could respond, the airline pilot keyed up his mike, and in a deep bass voice said, "Don’t look back!"
Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Tower: Yes what?? Pilot: Yes, SIR!
Pilot: Tower, please call me a fuel truck.
Tower: Roger. You are a fuel truck.
Pilot:: Tower, give me a rough time check.
Tower: It's Thursday, Sir.
Tower: Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago?
Pilot: Negativ, Sir. It's only the same pilot.
Pilot: Tower, there's a runway light burning.
Tower: I'm sure there must be dozens of lights burning.
Pilot: Sorry, I mean it's smoking.
Tower: Lufthansa 893, you are number one, check for workers on the taxiway.
Pilot: Roger... We've checked, they are all working.
Tower: Cannot read you, say again!
Tower: What's your heigth and position?
Pilot: Well, I'm 6 foot tall and I'm sitting front left.
Tower: Mission triple-three, do you have problems?
Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass.
Tower: Judging by the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel.
Tower: "Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading."
Pilot: "Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345…"
Tower: Cessna 310, that taxiway is approved for single engine use only.
Pilot: Roger, shutting down one engine.
Pilot: Logan Ground, Radio Check.
Tower: You sound like you are calling from inside a tin can.
Pilot: Roger. It feels like it, too.
Pilot: Airliner X, request a 360 to parking.
Tower: 360 approved, 180 recommended.
Chuck Norris Pilot Jokes
Chuck Norris doesn't request clearances, he states intentions.
Chuck Norris is the only person ever to land on runway 37.
Hijackers squawk 7500 when Chuck Norris is onboard.
Chuck Norris once shot down three enemy aircraft with his aux fuel tank.
Chuck Norris has never landed with a crosswind. The wind would never dare to cross Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't fly into headwinds... the wind is always running away from Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris flies, the altimeter setting is 00.00 inHg. Chuck Norris is never under pressure.
Right of Way rules do not apply when Chuck Norris is flying. If you are flying toward Chuck Norris, you are wrong.
Chuck Norris doesn't shoot approaches... he kills them.
Chuck Norris is never off glideslope, the glideslope is off Chuck Norris.
Two way contact for Chuck Norris is when he hits you with both fists simultaneously.
Chuck Yeager broke the sound barrier with his Bell X-1 jet. Chuck Norris broke the sound barrier with his fist.
Chuck Norris was told to ident, the controller was greeted with a fist coming out of his radar screen.
Chuck Norris doesn't level off; he tells the altimeter to stop moving.
Chuck Norris was once denied a clearance... once!
Chuck Norris was flying and saw a wall of clouds ahead so he decided to punch through them. He then got back in his helicopter and flew through the hole he just made.
Chuck Norris doesn't have emergencies, only moments of brief excitement.
Chuck Norris cannot be tracked on radar, if he appears, it is already too late.
A good flight for Chuck Norris is a bad flight for you.
Chuck Norris once moved a stationary front.
All survival vests will be fitted with a Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris isn't holding, he is circling above his victims.
Chuck Norris provides close air support via flying round house kicks.
No one knows what Chuck Norris' tale number is, nobody has ever gotten that close.
Last edited by Lawndart
on Mon May 09, 2011 7:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.