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Lawndart
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Achmed the Dead Terrorist

Post by Lawndart » Sat Jul 26, 2008 5:43 am

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Husband Store

Post by Lawndart » Tue Jul 29, 2008 12:47 pm

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.</b>

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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Lawndart
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Post by Lawndart » Tue Aug 05, 2008 10:41 am

Got this in an email today: :lol:


Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room talking about many things in life including death.

I said to her: 'Dear, I've signed the AMD (Advanced Medical Directive). Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die.'

Then she got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me... and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cablebox, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, the XBox, my Blackberry and then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer and wine too!

...I ALMOST DIED!!!
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Post by Sawamura » Thu Aug 07, 2008 11:19 am

When a panel of doctors were asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the
  • Allergists voted to scratch it and the
  • Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The
  • Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
  • Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the
  • Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. The
  • Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted, while the
  • Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!". Meanwhile the
  • Paediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!" The
  • Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the
  • Radiologists could see right through it, and the
  • Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The
  • Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the
  • Plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter." The
  • Chiropodists thought it was a step forward, but the
  • Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. The
  • Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas and the
  • Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say "No". In the end, the
  • Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole in administration.
8)
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Post by Gunner » Sat Aug 09, 2008 10:17 am

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean. John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?' His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get them.Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?' Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as
clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted .
'COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!' :lol:
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A Sneak Peek at The Future of Air Travel?

Post by Lawndart » Tue Aug 12, 2008 1:59 pm

Sent to me by a friend...

A glimpse of ‘what could be’?



I board the airline of the future and swipe my debit card through the card
reader at the door. It prints out a receipt for the $5 boarding fee.

"Welcome aboard FuturAir," the smiling flight attendant says, holding out
her hand.

I fumble for a dollar bill and place it in her hand, “cabin crew courtesy
fee.”

I make my way to my seat, as a growing sense of dread washes over me.
Traveler's remorse. Why didn't I pay the extra $50 to board first? I fear my
fellow passengers will have bought up all the overhead bin space. As I
approach my row, the guy on the aisle stands and pats the bin door.

"Too late. But I'll sublet the front corner for $25," he says.

It's airway robbery, of course. He only paid $35 for the whole bin, but it's
cheaper than paying for early boarding. I fancy myself the master of frugal
travel. I slip him two twenties and tell him to keep the change. Keep your
binlords happy, that's my motto. He opens the door and clears a spot for my
bag.

Seat belt fee: I squeeze into the middle seat “no aisle or window premium
for me” and drop a quarter into the armrest to pay for the seat belt.

I fasten the buckle, then extend my arms and press my elbows together,
drawing in my shoulders in the traditional Egyptian mummy position of
middle-seat travelers.

I swipe my debit card on the seat-back reader, and it brings up the host of
options for the flight. I select one hour of the reading light, air for the
whole flight, two cups of coffee, a cookie and “what the heck, I'll splurge”
a pillow made of "eco-friendly, recycled material." It prints out the
receipt: $37. Folded over, it becomes the pillow.

Pressurize and pay: The flight attendant closes the door and the cabin
pressurizes. $28.

"Good afternoon, I'd like to give you a short safety briefing, sponsored by
Taco Bell." She refers us to the cards in our seat-back pockets, but I
didn't pay the pocket fee. It doesn't matter. I always waive the emergency
exit and flotation device charges ($3.50 waiver processing fee).

"Should there be a loss of cabin pressure," the flight attendant was saying,
"an oxygen mask will drop from above your seat. Pull the mask toward you to
start the flow of oxygen. Once you have your mask securely fastened, be sure
to swipe your credit, debit or FuturAir Frequent Buyer card to ensure oxygen
continues flowing. Otherwise, the plastic bag will inflate, and you'll have
to make do with that.

"Please remember that should we lose cabin pressure, your pressurization fee
will not be refunded.”

"As a reminder," she continued, "the use of portable electronic devices is
prohibited unless, of course, you'd like to rent them from us at an hourly
rate. A list of leasable electronic devices and their prices are printed in
the back of your in-flight magazine, which is available for $7.50 per copy.”

"Now we ask that you sit back, relax, and enjoy your flight, all for the
nominal relaxation and enjoyment fee of just $25."

The screen on my seat back registered the charge.

We came to the end of the taxiway, and it blipped again.

"$15 air traffic control fee."

The plane began to zip down the runway, and soon we were airborne.

"$20 successful takeoff fee."

Altitude surcharges, maybe: In a few moments, the intercom crackled. "Good
afternoon, this is the Captain speaking, brought to you by Merrill Lynch.
Using our AccuWeather forecast, we predict good weather for our trip to New
York, which is sponsored by Home Depot.

"We'll soon be at our cruising altitude of 30,000 feet, some altitude and
turbulence avoidance surcharges may apply, and we expect to arrive at the
gate in time for you to pay your arrival charges without incurring any
additional late fees."

Annoyance charges Fortunately, the flight was uneventful. I dozed, and I
must have snored. There were minor annoyance charges on the screen when I
awoke.

As we pulled to the gate, I paid my landing fee, deplaning fee, "buh-bye"
fee. I added a tip for the captain and co-pilot. I knew they'd been working
without a contract for 6 1/2 years. I'm frugal, but I'm not heartless.

I waited patiently to exit, careful to avoid any BPFs “belligerent passenger
fees.”

As I walked up the jetway, I looked at my receipt: $2,000 for the flight
reservation, and I kept the in-flight fees to less than $250, including the
side deal for the overhead bin.

Not bad.


Loren Steffy is the Chronicle's business columnist. His commentary appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Contact him at "loren.steffy@chron.com"
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Post by Sawamura » Thu Aug 14, 2008 11:27 am

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:lol:
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Post by Rhino » Sun Aug 17, 2008 7:26 pm

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Phantoms Phorever!
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Post by Blaze » Sun Aug 24, 2008 1:11 am

Brian Regan on Flying

Design is all about finding solutions within constraints.
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Post by Blaze » Mon Sep 15, 2008 12:41 pm

Ten Spot-landing Techniques

There were daily landing contests during the International Air Rally 2004 held in eastern Canada in July. At the destination airports two white lines were drawn across the beginning of the runway 100 feet apart. To score, the aircraft main wheels had to touch down between the lines …and stay down.
Each rally team had a minimum of two crewmembers, a pilot and a navigator. These were competitive aviators, most with plenty of flying experience.
It was fun to watch the landings. Each pilot seemed to have his or her own technique. Here, tongue-in-cheek, are the ten most interesting ones. For the sake of your airplane, please don’t try these at home.

1/ Top Gun Arrival
For this approach, the pilot lowered full flaps, slowed to minimum speed, set up a rapid sink rate and then added a handful of power to control the angle of the approach. As the pilot neared the marks, he or she cut the power and rode the airplane into the pavement.
A Top Gun Arrival could be spotted by watching for the pilot’s face pressed against the inside of the windshield. As the airplane ploughed nose-high toward the runway, the pilot’s jaw would be clinched and the eyes would be staring transfixed at the lines. The accuracy of this method was good but without an arrester cable and a hook, the airplane often bounced out of the box.

2/ Let Gravity Do It
For this one, the pilot executed a power off, full flap approach to a perfect, full-stall landing over the spot.
The success of this technique varied. Sometimes the landing was completed ten feet above the runway, sometimes ten feet below. The accuracy was not as good as the Top Gun Arrival but the rebounds were smaller.

3/ The Mother-in-law Approach
During the spot landings, if both crewmembers were pilots, one would fly and the other would jump up and down and yell.
"You’re too high! Too slow! Add power! Dump the flaps! Nose down... you missed."
The score on this technique depended on where the airplane was in its cycle of gyrations when it arrived at the spot.
It was easy to see a mother-in-law approach coming. The airplane would follow a roller-coaster path to the runway and the crewmember in the right seat would be flailing against the seat belts.

4/ The Two-Pilot Tango
This technique required two domineering pilots and dual controls. The airplane would zigzag its way to the runway with two red faces grimacing in the windshield. Each pilot would be fighting the other for control. Most of the time, they missed the mark. Sometimes they had trouble hitting the runway.

5/ The Three-Pilot Tangle
This was a combination of the Two-Pilot Tango and the Mother-in-law Approach. Two pilots in the front seats would be fighting for control while a third pilot in the back seat screamed at them. The teams using this technique had trouble finding the airport.

6/ The No-Pilot Approach
Sometimes two pilots thought that the other was flying. The airplane would approach the lines in a gentle descent. The pilots would turn and face each other with surprised looks and mouths wide open.
Several teams landed on the spot using this technique.

7/ "Have Arrived"
For this one, there would be no faces in the windshield. Both team members would have their heads down watching the GPS, which had been programmed to guide them to the spot.
This technique rarely worked. When the GPS flashed "Have Arrived" the pilots would look up in time to see the nosewheel careen off the spot followed by the airplane porpoising down the runway.

8/ Let George do it
Some crews coupled their autopilot to the GPS for the approach. The result was either the same as the "Have Arrived" landing or worse if there was any crosswind. The autopilot crabbed on final to correct for the drift. The airplane would be tracking to the spot but the nose would not be pointed at it. Often the pilot would push on the opposite rudder to compensate. The autopilot would then add opposite aileron. The pilot would push harder on the rudder.
By the time the airplane arrived at the spot, it would be in a cockeyed forward slip. The pilot would disengage the autopilot to land; the airplane would then obey the full rudder command and yaw wildly the other way. The landing was known as "The Skippy".

9/ The Wheelbarrow Waltz
Sometimes the less experienced pilots would forget one element of their approach. They might set up a descent but forget to slow down; or do a perfect approach but forget to flare out; or fly their approach with the power on all the way to landing. The result was always the same. The airplane landed nosewheel first, often in the box. The fun part came next when the pilot tried to steer the airplane on the runway with the mainwheels still in the air.

10/ The Slam Dunk
Some experienced pilots applied a new landing technique. "The Slam Dunk" involved a low speed, flaps down, power on approach. When the airplane was nearing the spot, the test pilot would retract the flaps, cut the power, raise the nose and open the doors. The result was a combination of the Top Gun Arrival and the Let Gravity Do It. If there were other pilots in the airplane, they would be screaming.
Design is all about finding solutions within constraints.
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Post by Lawndart » Sat Dec 20, 2008 4:07 pm

Sixteen reasons why airplanes are easier to live with than women:
  1. Airplanes usually kill you quickly -- a woman takes her time.
  2. Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

    Image
  3. Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."
  4. Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.
  5. Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
  6. Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
  7. Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.
  8. Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
  9. Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before.
  10. Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
  11. Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

    Image
  12. Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.
  13. Airplanes expect to be tied down.
  14. Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
  15. Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
  16. However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.
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Post by Blaze » Sat Dec 20, 2008 5:51 pm

HAHA! That's awesome LD! :lol:
Design is all about finding solutions within constraints.
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Post by Sawamura » Sun Dec 21, 2008 11:29 am

Awsome. :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Post by Blaze » Sat Jan 10, 2009 12:48 pm

NASA Simulator Prepares Astronauts For Rigors Of An Interview With Larry King

http://www.theonion.com/video/nasa-simu ... of-a-14294
Design is all about finding solutions within constraints.
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Post by Burner » Sat Jan 10, 2009 3:30 pm

Lol, check out 1:36 apparently the NASA Larry King Simulator uses the HOTAS Cougar :D
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