Joke Thread

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Teej
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Post by Teej » Fri May 06, 2011 10:56 pm

Beaker wrote:Alright Teej, I cracked up. :lol:
This'll be funniest to people who watched olympics in the 80s as I haven't heard it so much since then...but every now and then it'll come up...but...


6.4....6.4....6.5....6.4....6.2 from the Russian judge....6.4....
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Post by Beaker » Sat May 07, 2011 12:52 am

A lot of padding around a joke that you could have made by just saying 4.0 from the Russian judge... :wink:
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Post by Teej » Sat May 07, 2011 12:57 am

Beaker wrote:A lot of padding around a joke that you could have made by just saying 4.0 from the Russian judge... :wink:
I know you kids have short attention span these days, but holy crap! :D

(Actually I've made a number of good friends in the ~ 20yo range over the past year due to school stuff. Heh.)
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Post by Beaker » Sat May 07, 2011 1:23 am

Brevity can be a virtue. But carry on touting your age while you still weigh it as an asset. :wink:
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Post by Teej » Sat May 07, 2011 2:20 am

Meanwhile, back in the joke thread...

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Post by Beaker » Sat May 07, 2011 2:46 pm

Wow... real company.
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Post by Teej » Sat May 07, 2011 4:15 pm

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Post by Lawndart » Mon May 09, 2011 3:28 pm

Top 25 Engineer's Terms and Expressions
(What we say versus what it means).

1. A number of different approaches are being tried.
We are still guessing at this point.

2. Close project coordination.
We sat down and had coffee together.

3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach.
We just hired three punk kids out of school.

4. Major technological breakthrough!
It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!

5. Customer satisfaction is believed assured.
We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.

6. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

7. Test results were extremely gratifying!
Unbelievable, it actually worked!

8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
The only guy who understood the thing quit.

9. It is in process.
It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.

10. We will look into it.
Forget it! We have enough problems already.

11. Please note and initial.
Let's spread the responsibility for this.

12. Give us the benefit of your thinking.
We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.

13. Give us your interpretation.
We can’t wait to hear your bull.

14. See me or let's discuss.
Come to my office, I've screwed up again.

15. All new.
Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

16. Rugged.
Don’t plan to lift it without major equipment.

17. Robust!
Rugged, but more so.

18. Light weight.
Slightly lighter than rugged.

19. Years of development.
One finally worked.

20. Energy saving.
Achieved when the power switch is off.

21. No maintenance.
Impossible to fix.

22. Low maintenance.
Nearly impossible to fix.

23. Fax me the data.
I’m too lazy to write it down.

24. We are following the standard!
That's the way we have always done it!

25. I didn't get your e-mail.
I haven't checked my e-mail for days.
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Post by Lawndart » Mon May 09, 2011 3:46 pm

There was an incident from several years ago when a controller cleared a Cessna 172 for landing. As the Cessna turned to final approach, an airliner called in "over the marker" (~5 miles from the airport). The Cessna was about a half mile from the runway, and the controller knew he could land and clear the runway well before the airliner would land, so he cleared the airliner to land as well. A few seconds later, the Cessna pilot asked the controller, "How far behind me is that 737?" Before the controller could respond, the airline pilot keyed up his mike, and in a deep bass voice said, "Don’t look back!"


ATC Quotes

Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what?? Pilot: Yes, SIR!

Pilot: Tower, please call me a fuel truck.
Tower: Roger. You are a fuel truck.

Pilot:: Tower, give me a rough time check.
Tower: It's Thursday, Sir.

Tower: Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago?
Pilot: Negativ, Sir. It's only the same pilot.

Pilot: Tower, there's a runway light burning.
Tower: I'm sure there must be dozens of lights burning.
Pilot: Sorry, I mean it's smoking.

Tower: Lufthansa 893, you are number one, check for workers on the taxiway.
Pilot: Roger... We've checked, they are all working.

Tower: Cannot read you, say again!
Pilot: Again!

Tower: What's your heigth and position?
Pilot: Well, I'm 6 foot tall and I'm sitting front left.

Tower: Mission triple-three, do you have problems?
Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass.
Tower: Judging by the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel.

Tower: "Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading."
Pilot: "Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345…"

Tower: Cessna 310, that taxiway is approved for single engine use only.
Pilot: Roger, shutting down one engine.

Pilot: Logan Ground, Radio Check.
Tower: You sound like you are calling from inside a tin can.
Pilot: Roger. It feels like it, too.

Pilot: Airliner X, request a 360 to parking.
Tower: 360 approved, 180 recommended.


Chuck Norris Pilot Jokes

Chuck Norris doesn't request clearances, he states intentions.

Chuck Norris is the only person ever to land on runway 37.

Hijackers squawk 7500 when Chuck Norris is onboard.

Chuck Norris once shot down three enemy aircraft with his aux fuel tank.

Chuck Norris has never landed with a crosswind. The wind would never dare to cross Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't fly into headwinds... the wind is always running away from Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris flies, the altimeter setting is 00.00 inHg. Chuck Norris is never under pressure.

Right of Way rules do not apply when Chuck Norris is flying. If you are flying toward Chuck Norris, you are wrong.

Chuck Norris doesn't shoot approaches... he kills them.

Chuck Norris is never off glideslope, the glideslope is off Chuck Norris.

Two way contact for Chuck Norris is when he hits you with both fists simultaneously.

Chuck Yeager broke the sound barrier with his Bell X-1 jet. Chuck Norris broke the sound barrier with his fist.

Chuck Norris was told to ident, the controller was greeted with a fist coming out of his radar screen.

Chuck Norris doesn't level off; he tells the altimeter to stop moving.

Chuck Norris was once denied a clearance... once!

Chuck Norris was flying and saw a wall of clouds ahead so he decided to punch through them. He then got back in his helicopter and flew through the hole he just made.

Chuck Norris doesn't have emergencies, only moments of brief excitement.

Chuck Norris cannot be tracked on radar, if he appears, it is already too late.

A good flight for Chuck Norris is a bad flight for you.

Chuck Norris once moved a stationary front.

All survival vests will be fitted with a Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris isn't holding, he is circling above his victims.

Chuck Norris provides close air support via flying round house kicks.

No one knows what Chuck Norris' tale number is, nobody has ever gotten that close.
Last edited by Lawndart on Mon May 09, 2011 7:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by Beaker » Mon May 09, 2011 4:34 pm

:lol:
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Post by Rhino » Mon May 09, 2011 5:20 pm

Chuck Norris has never made a 3-wire trap, because Chuck Norris doesn't need a tailhook.
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Post by Teej » Mon May 09, 2011 5:50 pm

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Post by Ells » Mon May 09, 2011 6:53 pm

Now that's what you call a ceeeegar.
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Post by Teej » Mon May 09, 2011 7:05 pm

Ells wrote:Now that's what you call a ceeeegar.
Forgot folks from outside the US might be reading the thread...and that you/they may have seen more or less of our TV over the years...

Back around 1980 was the original version of the show "Battlestar Galactica". The dude on the left (Dirk Benedict) played the character "Starbuck".

The woman on the right (Katee Sackhoff) played the role of "Starbuck" in the new version of the show.

They are sitting in a coffee shop called...Starbucks.
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Post by Ells » Tue May 10, 2011 7:37 am

Ah yes, I know BSG very well (both old and new) but didn't recognise Starbuck on the left there but can be sure I recognised Miss Thrace. ;)

I also didn't notice the Starbucks cup there (pay more attention Ells).

I get it now! :lol:
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