Joke Thread
-
dudeman750
- Posts: 49
- Joined: Thu Sep 10, 2009 8:41 pm
- Location: Dayton, Oh.
- Contact:
ATC comms
> Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers!
> Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
> Delta 351: "Give us another clue! We have digital watches!"
> ***********************
> Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
> TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
> Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
> ***********************
> From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
> Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
> Unknown aircraft: "I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid!"
> ***********************
> O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
> United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in my sights."
> ***********************
> A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
> Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
> ***********************
> A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
> San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
> ***********************
> A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
> Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
> Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
> Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
> Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
> ***********************
> Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
> Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway"
> Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
> BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
> ***********************
> One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
> The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
> ***********************
> The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
> Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
> Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
> The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
> Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
> Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
> Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
> Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."
> ***********************
> While taxiing at London's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the USAir crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
> Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
> Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
> Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
> Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
> Delta 351: "Give us another clue! We have digital watches!"
> ***********************
> Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
> TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
> Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
> ***********************
> From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
> Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
> Unknown aircraft: "I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid!"
> ***********************
> O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
> United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in my sights."
> ***********************
> A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
> Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
> ***********************
> A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
> San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
> ***********************
> A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
> Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
> Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
> Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
> Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
> ***********************
> Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
> Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway"
> Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
> BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
> ***********************
> One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
> The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
> ***********************
> The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
> Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
> Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
> The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
> Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
> Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
> Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
> Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."
> ***********************
> While taxiing at London's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the USAir crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
> Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
> Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
> Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
- One liners and bumper sticker slogans!
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather... not screaming in terror, like his passengers.
- I hate to wake up and find my co-pilot asleep.
- Any pilot who does not at least privately consider himself the best in the business...is in the wrong business.
- When in doubt, mumble!
- I've flown in both pilot seats, can someone tell me why the other one is always occupied by an idiot?
- Son, you're going to have to make up your mind about growing up and becoming a pilot. You can't do both.
- There are only two types of aircraft -- fighters and targets.
- The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline baggage.
- War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
- You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
- If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
- With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
- After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF!!
- Both optimists and pessimists contribute to the society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.
- If helicopters are so safe, how come there are no vintage/classic helicopter fly-ins.
- Death is just nature's way of telling you to watch your airspeed or rotor RPM.
- Hovering is for pilots who love to fly but have no place to go.
- Real planes use only a single stick to fly. This is why bulldozers & helicopters -- in that order -- need two."
- There are only three things the co-pilot should ever say:
1. Nice landing, Sir.
2. I'll buy the first round.
3. I'll take the ugly one. - About Rules:
a. The rules are a good place to hide if you don't have a better idea and the talent to execute it.
b. If you deviate from a rule, it must be a flawless performance. (e.g. If you fly under a bridge, don't hit the bridge.) - The ideal pilot is the perfect blend of discipline and aggressiveness.
- There are certain aircraft sounds that can only be heard at night.
- Flying is a great way of life for men who want to feel like boys, but not for those who still are.
- Flying is a hard way to earn an easy living.
- If black boxes survive air crashes -- why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
- If the Wright brothers were alive today Wilbur would have to fire Orville to reduce costs. - President DELTA Airlines.
- It's not that all airplane pilots are good-looking. Just that good-looking people seem more capable of flying airplanes. Or so seasoned observers contend. A matter of self-confidence? No doubt, no doubt.
- You define a good flight by negatives: you didn't get hijacked, you didn't crash, you didn't throw up, you weren't late, you weren't nauseated by the food. So you're grateful.
- Airline captain: "If only I made as much money as people think I make, had as much time off as my neighbors think I have and had as much fun on stopovers as my wife thinks I have".
- An old pilot is one who can remember when flying was dangerous and sex was safe.
- Airlines have really changed, now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
- Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwinds.
- A thunderstorm is nature's way of saying "Up yours!"
- Keep looking around, there's always something you missed.
- The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as a copilot, is a copilot who was once a captain.
- A terminal forecast is a horoscope with numbers.
- Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
- The first thing every pilot does after making a gear up landing is to put the gear handle DOWN.
- When I have money I buy AvGas. If there is any left over, I buy food.
- Stewardesses do it in the air.
- Airline pilots do it straight and level.
- Reconnaissance pilots just look at it.
- Fighter pilots do it better.
- Bomber pilots do it with a big bang.
- Aerospace engineers do it with lift and thrust.
- Air traffic controllers do it in the dark, and tell pilots how to do it.
- Driving is for sissies who can’t fly.
I suppose this falls close enough to be under this topic...
MANLAWS
These are the Laws of Man Cave
All Shall Abide.
No man shall ever turn down free beer... for any reason. Never. Ever. Seriously, Never.
Grilling, regardless of weather, is always the first choice for cooking.
Hiding your beer in the fridge is strictly forbidden. Besides...sharing is caring.
A man should never be denied the right to adjust himself or place his hands down his pants under any circumstances.
A man should never tell another man that his zipper is down. It's his own damn problem and you never looked "there" to begin with.
A man may be seen tearing up only when:
A. His first child is born (and it's a boy),
B. he has received a devastating blow to the groin,
C. Carmen Electra is unbuttoning her shirt...scratch that, your shirt.
While at a sporting event, you must walk "B to F" (BUTT TO FACE) when leaving your seat. This is so you do not miss any of the cheerleaders' performance (since you obviously never get up to pee while the ball is in play).
No man shall ever cancel plans with his buddies at the last minute. Exceptions: You win free tickets to the Super Bowl, Carmen Electra is unbuttoning your shirt, or in cases of death (your own).
If you are placed on the Jumbotron at a sporting event, you are to offer a simple wave or raise of your glass. Acting like an idiot is strictly forbidden. A man should act like Barry Sanders... you've been there before and will be there again - show some class. Exception: You have more body paint on than clothing. In that case - go for it.
A man is permitted to build his "Man Cave" in anyway he wishes. However NO "Man Cave" shall ever include: A fridge incapable of holding a case of beer, "Fat Free" potato chips, and any variation of the color pink.
A man purse is still a purse.
MANLAWS
These are the Laws of Man Cave
All Shall Abide.
No man shall ever turn down free beer... for any reason. Never. Ever. Seriously, Never.
Grilling, regardless of weather, is always the first choice for cooking.
Hiding your beer in the fridge is strictly forbidden. Besides...sharing is caring.
A man should never be denied the right to adjust himself or place his hands down his pants under any circumstances.
A man should never tell another man that his zipper is down. It's his own damn problem and you never looked "there" to begin with.
A man may be seen tearing up only when:
A. His first child is born (and it's a boy),
B. he has received a devastating blow to the groin,
C. Carmen Electra is unbuttoning her shirt...scratch that, your shirt.
While at a sporting event, you must walk "B to F" (BUTT TO FACE) when leaving your seat. This is so you do not miss any of the cheerleaders' performance (since you obviously never get up to pee while the ball is in play).
No man shall ever cancel plans with his buddies at the last minute. Exceptions: You win free tickets to the Super Bowl, Carmen Electra is unbuttoning your shirt, or in cases of death (your own).
If you are placed on the Jumbotron at a sporting event, you are to offer a simple wave or raise of your glass. Acting like an idiot is strictly forbidden. A man should act like Barry Sanders... you've been there before and will be there again - show some class. Exception: You have more body paint on than clothing. In that case - go for it.
A man is permitted to build his "Man Cave" in anyway he wishes. However NO "Man Cave" shall ever include: A fridge incapable of holding a case of beer, "Fat Free" potato chips, and any variation of the color pink.
A man purse is still a purse.
-
Convertible
- Virtual Thunderbird Alumnus
- Posts: 1069
- Joined: Thu Apr 07, 2005 5:59 pm
- Location: Phoenix, AZ
Allow me to introduce the next winter olympic sport......
The 2000m Fail.
http://www.zapiks.fr/motoneige-0-montagne-1.html
The 2000m Fail.
http://www.zapiks.fr/motoneige-0-montagne-1.html
Last edited by Teej on Fri May 06, 2011 11:00 pm, edited 2 times in total.
