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Lawndart
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Joke Thread

Post by Lawndart » Tue Mar 11, 2008 11:36 pm

Lets try to keep the jokes "clean" ok?

Here are a few to start off... :lol:

  1. Notice to Windows users outside of South Philly

    = Important update from Microsoft regarding Windows =

    Dear Consumers,

    It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS XP SOUTH
    PHILLY EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside South Philly.
    If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands.

    The South Philly edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen.
    It reads: "WINDAS XP" with a background picture of the Italian Market.
    When you start the program, instead of the usual "harpy, stringy" music,
    you hear the theme from The Godfather. It is also shipped with a Sopranos screensaver.

    Please also note:
    The Recycle Bin is labeled "South West Philly".
    My Computer is called "My Friggin' Computer".
    The Inbox is referred to as "The Trunk".
    Deleted items are referred to as "Wacked Out" or "Rubbed Out".
    Dial up Networking is called "The Bar".
    Control Panel is known as the "The Bosses".
    Performing an "illegal operation" is known as "enhancing the family
    business" and will actually maximize the program instead of shutting it down.
    Hard Drive is referred to as "I-95 Rush Hour".
    Instead of an error message a "You ain't gonna friggin' believe this!"
    pops up.

    CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN SOUTH PHILLY EDITION:
    OK......................... Sure ting
    Cancel.................... Fugetaboutit
    Reset...................... Start Ova
    Yes......................... Yeah
    No.......................... Nah
    Find........................ Put a contract out on
    Browse................... Get a looksee
    Back....................... Ubie
    Help........................ (Help is not available - yous don't need no stinking help)
    Stop........................ Knock it off
    Start........................ Move it!
    Settings................... Here is the Rules

    Also note that any voice recognition software run on the SOUTH
    PHILLY EDITION platform does not recognize the letter "r".
    Some programs and other accessories that are exclusive to
    WINDAS XP:
    Typa................... A word processing program
    Printa.................. Printer
    Calculata............. Calculator
    Solitare............... Seven Card Stud

    We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the SOUTH PHILLY EDITION.
    You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

    Yous got a problem wit dat?
  2. Posted by Red Gold and Green @ FighterOps:

    Top 45 Oxymorons
    45. Act naturally
    44. Found missing
    43. Resident alien
    42. Advanced BASIC
    41. Genuine imitation
    40. Airline food
    39. Good grief
    38. Same difference
    37. Almost exactly
    36. Government organization
    35. Sanitary landfill
    34. Alone together
    33. Legally drunk
    32. Silent scream
    31. Living dead
    30. Small crowd
    29. Business ethics
    28. Soft rock
    27. Butt head
    26. Military intelligence
    25. Software documentation
    24. New classic
    23. Sweet sorrow
    22. Childproof
    21. "Now, then ..."
    20. Synthetic natural gas
    19. Passive aggression
    18. Taped live
    17. Clearly misunderstood
    16. Peace force
    15. Extinct life
    14. Temporary tax increase
    13. Computer jock
    12. Plastic glasses
    11. Terribly pleased
    10. Computer security
    9. Political science
    8. Tight slacks
    7. Definite maybe
    6. Pretty ugly
    5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
    4. Diet ice cream
    3. Working vacation
    2. Exact estimate
    1. Microsoft Works
  3. Basic Flying Instructions:
    1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
    2. Do not go near the edges of it.
    3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground,
    buildings, sea, trees, and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to
    fly there.
  4. Striker this one's for you...

    Helicopters are really a bunch of parts flying in relatively close formation;
    all rotating around a different axis. Things work well until one of
    the parts breaks formation.
  5. Cessna pilots are always found in the wreckage with their hand around the microphone.
  6. Navy carrier pilots regards Air Force pilots: "Flare to land, squat to pee."

    Air Force pilots regards to Navy carrier pilots: "Next time a war is decided by how
    well you land on a carrier, I'm sure our Navy will clean up. Until then, I'll worry
    about who spends their training time flying and fighting".
  7. A smooth landing in a simulator is as exciting as kissing your sister.
  8. There are four ways to fly: the right way, the wrong way, the company way and the captain's way. Only one counts.
  9. A grease-job landing is 50 percent luck; two in a row are entirely luck; three in a
    row and someone's lying.
  10. I give that landing a 9. . . on the Richter scale.
  11. Gravity is bullshit: The Earth sucks.
  12. Alright that's enough. Let's make a 360 and get the hell out of here!?!
Add your own...
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Post by Blaze » Wed Mar 12, 2008 3:24 am

Image LMAO! Oh my gosh, C and K are the best!
Design is all about finding solutions within constraints.
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Post by Blaze » Wed Mar 12, 2008 3:40 am

A. Top 20 Flight Advertizing Slogans

1. BadAir: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.

2. BadAir: We're Amtrak with wings.

3. Join our frequent near-miss program.

4. On flights, every section is a smoking section.

5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.

6. Our staff has had lots of experience counseling next-of-kin.

7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.

8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall.

9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.

10. The kids will love our inflatable slides.

11. If you think it's so easy, get your own plane!

12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?

13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.

14. BadAir: We may be landing on your street.

15. BadAir: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.

16. Bring a bathing suit.

17. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.

18. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.

19. Fly BadAir and enjoy a free two-week hospital stay on us.

20. BadAir: A real man lands where he wants to.

B. Parachute Knowledge
A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he's falling, he realizes hiss chute is broken. He doesn't know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, "Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!"

The guy flying up looks down and yells, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!"

C. Airplane Maintenance
"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Problem (S) = Solution
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement

(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough

(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid

(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Something loose in cockpit

(S) Something tightened in cockpit
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

(S) Evidence removed
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud

(S) Volume set to more believable level
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Dead bugs on windshield

(S) Live bugs on order
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent

(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) IFF inoperative

(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick

(S) That's what they're there for
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Number three engine missing

(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Aircraft handles funny

(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Target Radar hums

(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics
Design is all about finding solutions within constraints.
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Post by Luse » Wed Mar 12, 2008 8:26 pm

LMAO.

Those are great :D
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Post by Lawndart » Fri Mar 14, 2008 12:34 am

  1. Rules of the Air
  2. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
  3. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
  4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
  5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
  6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
  7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
  8. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
  9. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
  10. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival.
  11. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
  12. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
  13. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
  14. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
  15. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
  16. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
  17. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
  18. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
  19. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
  20. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law.
  21. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
-What's the difference between American pilots and Iraqi pilots?
-American pilots break ground and fly into the wind...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm sure most of us have heard this poem at some point:

High Flight

by Pilot Officer John Gillespie Magee, Jr., RCAF, September 3, 1941 (1922-1941). An American
citizen born in Shanghai of missionary parents and educated at Britain's famed Rugby School,
John Magee, Jr., entered the United States in 1939. He had won a scholarship at Yale University,
but felt he must aid the cause of freedom, and so he instead enlisted in the Royal Canadian Air Force
in September 1940. He went to England to fly Spitfires. It was during a test flight at 30,000 feet that
he was inspired to write
High Flight. He was killed during a dogfight on December 11, 1941, at age 19.

Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth
Of sun-split clouds---and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of---wheeled and soared and swung
High in the sunlit silence. Hov'ring there,
I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Up, up, the long, delirious burning blue
I've topped the windswept heights with easy grace
Where never lark, nor even eagle flew.
And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.


On that note, here's the Low Flight -- (Helo pilot's version):

Oh, I've slipped through the swirling clouds of dust,
a few feet from the dirt,
I've flown my aircraft low enough,
to make my bottom hurt.
I've TFO'd the deserts, hills, valleys
and mountains too,
Frolicked in the trees,
where only flying squirrels flew.
Chased the frightened cows along,
disturbed the ram and ewe,
And done a hundred other things,
that you'd not care to do.
I've smacked the tiny sparrow,
bluebird, robin, all the rest,
I've ingested baby eaglets,
simply sucked them from their nest!
I've streaked through total darkness,
just the other guy and me,
And spent the night in terror of
things I could not see.
I've turned my eyes to heaven,
as I sweated through the flight,
Put out my hand and touched,
the master caution light.
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Post by Gunner » Fri Mar 14, 2008 11:18 am

Nothing to do with flying, but as I get older, I relate to these more and more: :wink:

Elderly ladies in a car

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"


Friends for many decades

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Old ladies

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

And my favorite: :D

Older Folks 3.

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
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Post by Panther » Fri Mar 14, 2008 5:54 pm

Once upon a time, a man in a hot air balloon realized that he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted. "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."


The man below replied. "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 50 and 51 degrees north latitude and between 114 and 115 degrees west longitude."


"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.


"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"


"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to do to make use of your information.
The fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all.
If anything, you've delayed my trip."


The man below responded, "You must be in management."


"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"


"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, you've managed to make it my fault!!"


That was the clean joke from my email today, the rest are borderline.
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Post by Blaze » Mon Mar 24, 2008 1:37 pm

Snake Model

The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)

1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.

10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

15. Quartermaster: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

16. C-17 Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.

17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.

18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.

20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

22. MinuteMan Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

25. Signal: Tries to communicate with snake...fail repeated attempts. Complains that the snake did not have the correct fill or did not know how to work equipment a child could operate. Signal Officer informs the commander that he could easily communicate with the snake using just his voice. Commander insists that he NEEDS to video-conference with the snake, with real-time streaming positional and logistical data on the snake displayed on video screens to either side. Gives Signal Corps $5 Billion to make this happen. SigO abuses the 2 smart people in the corps to make it happen, while everybody else stands around, bitches, and takes credit. In the end, General Dynamics and several sub-contractors make a few billion dollars, the 2 smart people get out and go to work for them, and the commander gets what he asked for only in fiber-optic based simulations. The snake is forgotten.
Design is all about finding solutions within constraints.
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Post by Lawndart » Sun May 04, 2008 3:11 pm

What were they thinking?



Aircraft Landing On Highway 405

Last edited by Lawndart on Mon Jun 16, 2008 4:37 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by Blaze » Sun May 04, 2008 5:53 pm

Since LD posted the "High Flight" poem, here is the "High (Simulated) Flight" version!

Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of cash
And danced the skies on anti-aliased wings;
In darkness I've sat, and joined the tumbling mirth
Of sun-split clouds - and modified my config a hundred ways
You have not dreamed of - tweaked and modified and installed
Just to get High in the sunlit silence. Hov'ring there
I've chased the shouting wife along, and flung
My broken controllers down footless halls and stairs.
Up, up the long delirious, burning blue,
I've max'ed the framerate with uneasy grace
Where never lark, or even Yeager flew -
And, while with special scenery and terrain mesh I've trod
The high untresspassed sanctity of cyberspace,
Put out my hand and touched the button labeled 'Reset'
Design is all about finding solutions within constraints.
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Post by Thumper » Sun Jun 01, 2008 3:07 am

Image

The memo line says it all.
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Post by Blaze » Sun Jun 01, 2008 4:31 am

Haha rofl that's awesome! :lol: And very clever! I'll keep this in mind in case I need it. :wink:
Design is all about finding solutions within constraints.
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Post by Lawndart » Wed Jun 25, 2008 11:26 pm

Found this in one of the airline pilot forums I surf and it made me laugh hard! :lol: :lol:


The airline industry is in a crisis. Its business model doesn't work with
the current price of fuel and the existing level of capacity in the
marketplace. We need to make changes in response.

While there have been several successful fare increases, those increases
haven't been sufficient to cover the rising cost of fuel. As fares
increase, fewer customers will fly. As fewer customers fly, we will need to
reduce our capacity to match the reduced demand. As we reduce our
capacity, we will need fewer employees to operate the airline. Although
these changes will be painful, we must adapt to the reality of today's
market to successfully navigate these difficult times.

Therefore, a program to phase out the more senior pilots by the end of
the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect
immediately. Under this plan, senior pilots will be asked to take early
retirement, thus permitting the retention of the new-hires who represent
our future. This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Pilots).
Pilots who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs
outside the company. SLAPPED Pilots can request a review of their
employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review
phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired
Early Workers). All pilots who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may
file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT
(Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, a pilot may be SLAPPED once,
SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company
deems appropriate.

If a pilot follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get:
HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP
(Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are
considered benefit plans, any pilot who has received HERPES or CLAP
will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger pilots who remain on board
that the company will continue its policy of training pilots through our:
Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of
SHIT our pilots receive. We have given our pilots more SHIT than any
company in this area. If any pilot feels they do not receive enough SHIT
on the job, see your Chief Pilot. Your Chief Pilot is specially trained to
make sure you receive all the SHIT you can handle.

And, once again, Thanks for all your years of service with us.
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Post by Blaze » Wed Jun 25, 2008 11:36 pm

OMG that's awesome LD! Made iced tea come out my nose. :lol:
Design is all about finding solutions within constraints.
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Post by Gunner » Thu Jun 26, 2008 10:27 am

Just got this in an email from my brother - kinda fits in with the Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). Do you suppose FO's get more SHIT than captains? :wink:

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