Joke Thread

[Blaze]

Lol, check out 1:36 apparently the NASA Larry King Simulator uses the HOTAS Cougar

Yea I saw that! Perhaps it has a LKSB instead of a FSSB?

[Gunner]

And did you notice the director is my long lost uncle Ted!

[Sawamura]

Frankfurt tower and a British 737 pilot:

The pilot landed his aircraft and is turning the next taxiway. After holding for some minutes, the tower asks the pilot:
"First time in Frankfurt?"
The pilot answers cooly: "Twice. It was 1944. It was on night and I didn't land."

[Sawamura]

Dear Employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement.. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be considered for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management..
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attentionof your Supervisor, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely, Management

P.S.Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off. We apologize for the inconvenience.

[Lawndart]

1. The similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
   
   If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies.
   If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
2. If God had wanted me to fly, he would have made me flush riveted.
3. If God had meant for men to fly, he would have made their bones hollow and not their heads.
4. If God had meant for man to fly, he would have given him more money.
5. The average pilot, despite the sometimes swaggering exterior, is very much capable of such feelings as love, affection, intimacy and caring. These feelings just don't involve anyone else.
6. Flying helicopters is like masturbating. It feels good while you're doing it, but you're ashamed to tell anyone afterwards.
7. Fighter pilots make movies, attack pilots make history.
8. AVIATION DICTIONARY
   Airspeed: Speed of an airplane. Deduct 25% when listening to a Navy pilot.
   
   Cone of Confusion: An area about the size of New Jersey, located near the final approach beacon at an airport.
   
   Crab: The squadron Ops Officer.
   
   Dead Reckoning: You reckon correctly... or you are.
   
   Engine Failure: A condition which occurs when all fuel tanks mysteriously become filled with air.
   
   Firewall: Section of the aircraft specially designed to let heat and smoke enter the cockpit.
   
   Glide Distance: Half the distance from the airplane to the nearest emergency landing field.
   
   Gravity: The killer of young adults.
   
   IFR: A method of flying by needle and ripcord.
   
   Lean Mixture: Non-alcoholic beer.
   
   Nanosecond: Time delay built into the stall warning system.
   
   Parasitic Drag: A pilot who bums a ride and complains about the service.
   
   Range: Usually about 30 miles beyond the point where the fuel tanks fill with air.
   
   Rich Mixture: What you order at the other guy's promotion party.
   
   Roger: Used when you're not sure what else to say.
   
   Spoilers: The Federal Aviation Administration.
   
   Stall: Technique used to explain to the bank why your car payment is late.
9. A checkride ought to be like a skirt, short enough to be interesting but still be long enough to cover everything.
10. Standard checklist philosophy requires that pilots read to each other the actions they perform every single flight, and recite from memory those they need every 3 years.
11. One peek is worth a thousand instrument cross-checks.
12. A smooth touchdown in a simulator is as exciting as kissing your sister.
13. Please don't tell mom I'm a pilot, she still thinks I play piano in a whorehouse.
14. To err is human, to forgive is divine, neither of which is Air Force policy.
15. Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a firehydrant what it thinks about dogs.
16. Being an airline pilot would be great if you didn't have to go on all those trips.
17. A coplilot is a knothead until he spots opposite direction traffic at 10 o'clock, after which he's a goof-off for not seeing it sooner.
18. Modern air travel would be very enjoyable... if I could only learn to enjoy boredom, discomfort and fatigue.
19. The worst day of flying still beats the best day of work.
20. Assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups.
21. The most sensitive mechanism in modern aviation is the shower control in a layover hotel.
22. Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwinds.
23. A terminal forecast (TAF) is a horoscope with numbers.
24. The three most common phrases in airline aviation are: "Was that for us?" "What'd he say?" and "Oh Shit!" Since computers are now involved in flying, a new one has been added: "What's it doing now?"
25. A thunderstorm is natures way of saying, "Up yours."
26. It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a huge fortune.
27. There I was, fog was so thick I couldn't see the instruments. Only way I knew I was inverted was my flying medals were in my eyes. But I knew I was really in trouble when the tower called me and told me to climb and maintain field evevation.
28. Every recurrent groundschool class includes one ass who, at 5 minutes before 5, asks a question requiring a 20-minute explanation.
29. Good judgement comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgement.
30. If it's ugly, it's British; if it's weird, it's French; and if it's ugly and weird, it's Russian.

[Lawndart]

Had this sent to me, and I guarantee tears before the end of it!

Japanese toilet humor! (Why is it that I can picture this happening at an air show event?):


Replay of the best part from the video above. His date is awesome, just laughing at him (who wouldn't):


Beware of Japanese saunas and the rocket chair:

[Lawndart]

When you have a "I Hate My Job" day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be
disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read
it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally
tested and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times:

"I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control
department of Johnson & Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!


A few more aviation jokes...

Q: How do you know your date with the fighter pilot is half over?
A: He says "but enough about me - wanna hear about my plane?"

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

• If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
• If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter - and therefore, unsafe.
• You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot).
• Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
• If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator).
• If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot).
• Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.

Military Sayings and Guidelines

• When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
• You don't win a war by dying for your country. You win a war by making the other son-of-a-bitch die for his. - General Patton
• If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
• Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate - - the bombs always hit the ground.
• If the enemy is in range, so are you.
• The difficult we do immediately. The impossible takes a little while longer.
• It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
• Whomever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons!
• When in doubt empty the magazine.
• Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
• Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
• Incoming fire has the right of way.
• Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
• Tracers work both ways.
• Five second fuses only last three seconds.
• The easy way is always mined.
• Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.
• If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
• Never trust a private with a loaded weapon, or an officer with a map.
• If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
• Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
• Push to test... Release to detonate.
• There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
• Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
• We are not retreating, we are advancing in another direction.
• The diversion you are ignoring may be the main attack.

[Frazer]

(Why is it that I can picture this happening at an air show event?)

Hahahaha would be very suitable

[Lawndart]

For new pilots: The forces of flight



Pilot training: Simulator course for those who still hunger for the romance and adventure of long-haul flying.

It will all come to you if you practice the following at home:

1. Stay out of bed all night. Thim will simulate those late night cargo flights.

2. Sit in your most uncomfortable chair, in a closet, for nine or ten hours facing a four foot wide panoramic photo of a flight deck. This will prepare you for those long ass DOD flights on what us pilots refer to as "Heavy Metal."

3. Have two or three noisy vacuum cleaners on high, out of sight but within hearing distance and operating throughout the night. If a vacuum cleaner fails, do the appropriate restart checklist. This should prepare you for the early days of flying mail by yourself IFR at night with no co-pilot.

4. Halfway through your nocturnal simulator course, arrange for a bright spotlight to shine directly into your face for two or three hours, simulating flying an eastbound flight into the sunrise. Another experience you will only have when flying night freight.

5. Have bland overcooked food served on a tray midway through the night. Here we go again with flying passengers.

6. Have cold cups of coffee delivered from time to time. Ask your spouse to slam the door frequently. Night freight with only water. Who has time to pack a thermos? Not the engineer.

7. At the time when you must heed nature's call, force yourself to stand outside the bathroom door for at least ten minutes, transferring your weight from leg to leg, easing the discomfort. Don't forget to wear your hat.

8. Leave the closet after the prescribed nine or ten hours, turn on your sprinklers and stand out in the cold and 'rain' for twenty minutes, simulating the wait for the van to the motel.

9. Head for your bedroom, wet and with your suitcase and flight bag. Stand outside the door until your wife gets up and leaves, simulating the wait while the maid makes up the hotel room.

10. To make this 'flight' more realistic find a stranger with gas and body odour, who you dislike, is boring and keeps falling asleep, to be your Captain.

[Sawamura]

Costello calls to buy a computer from Abbott


Abbott: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
Costello: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: No, the name's Lou.
Abbott: Your computer?
Costello: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: I told you, my name's Lou.
Abbott: What about Windows?
Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
Abbott: Do you want a computer with Windows?
Costello: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
Abbott: Wallpaper.
Costello: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
Abbott: Software for Windows?
Costello: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
Abbott: Office.
Costello: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
Abbott: I just did.
Costello: You just did what?
Abbott: Recommend something.
Costello: You recommended something?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: For my office?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
Abbott: Office.
Costello: Yes, for my office!
Abbott: I recommend Office with Windows.
Costello: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
Abbott: Word.
Costello: What word?
Abbott: Word in Office.
Costello: The only word in office is office.
Abbott: The Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: Which word in office for windows?
Abbott: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
Costello: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
Abbott: Yes, you want Real One.
Costello: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
Abbott: Real One.
Costello: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
Abbott: Of course.
Costello: Great! With what?
Abbott: Real One.
Costello: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a
movie. What do I do?
Abbott: You click the blue "1".
Costello: I click the blue one what?
Abbott: The blue "1".
Costello: Is that different from the blue w?
Abbott: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
Costello: What word?
Abbott: The Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
Abbott: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
Costello: It is?
Abbott: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
Costello: And that word is real one?
Abbott: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
Costello: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: That's right. What do you have?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: I need money to track my money?
Abbott: It comes bundled with your computer
Costello: What's bundled with my computer?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: Money comes with my computer?
Abbott: Yes. No extra charge.
Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
Abbott: One copy.
Costello: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
Abbott: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
Costello: They can give you a license to copy money?
Abbott: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A FEW DAYS LATER . .
Abbott: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
Costello: How do I turn my computer off?
Abbott: Click on "START"..........

[Luse]

Ahh Sawamura.

I believe explains it all. Awesome post.

[Frazer]

[Tailhook]

@Frazer- LMAO! Nice. That pretty much sums it up in "30 seconds". Not sure if you caught it but Iceman was 'Icebun' and the skippers cup says 'Boss "Red Deck" Johnson'.

In response to that, I almost wet myself when I watched this the other day.

[Tailhook]

[Redeye]

A terrorist interview:
http://www.user.dccnet.com/tabharris/Fu ... erview.wmv